Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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