Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
