Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Boobs are out for the taking
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
