I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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