If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
