Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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