this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
