It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
