I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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