Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
