I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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