Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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