I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
