my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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