I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
