just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she peed on how many people?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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