At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
