goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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