I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
