You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
