a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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