sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
