Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
