He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
True strength comes from lack of pants
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
