wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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