Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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