Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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