Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
