hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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