I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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