Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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