Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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