A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
