I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
