He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
