Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
