I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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