it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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