i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
