I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Actions speak louder than pants.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
