I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
