I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
