Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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