I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
