I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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