Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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