even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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