fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
