i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Please don't give away my fajitas
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My feet surprised me
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