I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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