you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
